I'm off. Not in a "rotting flesh" kind of way (the funky smell you're used to is Joe), but the roller-coaster that is "life at XXXXXXXXXXX" has made me feel violently sick, I’ve had enough and I’m hereby tendering my resignation.

On the whole, my time here has been a merry-go-round of biscuits, coffee, and forming good friendships but the level of incompetence, falsified orders, managerial deceit, fraudulent bookings and pettiness by our office and senior management made me realise this company is not somewhere I wish to remain.

I will now take some time to retire to 1 of my 3 houses, drive around in 1 of my 3 cars, make some calls on 1 of my 4 mobile phones while checking email on 1 of my 5 computers.

The short term projects I'm considering are to start a Swedish Porn studio, a jam making factory, importing Rohypnol and delivering dog shit to people I don't like, or possibly a combination of them all. I think you’ll agree none of these are industries xxxxxxxxxxx are engaged in and thus pose no competitive risk to you.

To some of you, I wish you the very best of luck, to some I wish your mother never met your father, to the rest no doubt our paths will cross in due course and if so, please keep walking as I really don't like you.

Wishing you a future of happiness, success and competent managers.

Best regards